I’ve recently attended a series of workshops at church on parenting. The speakers talked about the basics of parenting and how to deal with some of the issues that we, as parents, will encounter when raising children. They discussed planning, communication, and reinforcements of the plan. It’s a great learning experience for both my wife and I.
One of the things they encourage us to do is creating a list of house rules. It’s an essential component of a home. Kids need boundaries. The rules communicate a clear guideline on how a family needs to live. I like the analogy of the rules to driving laws: What will happen if no one stops at a red light? It’ll be chaos and confusion.
Here are some of the suggested parenting rules1 we can use:
- Praise and Rewards
The best rewards are attention, praise, and love. Sweets, treats and toys are not necessary as rewards. A star chart or a special outing can back up a pattern of good behavior. - Consistency
Once the rule is made, don’t change it for the sake of a quiet life or because we’re embarrassed. Make sure everyone keeps the same rules as well. A rule is a rule a rule. - Routine
Keep our home in a basic order and maintain a routine. Set times for waking, meals, bath, and bed are cornerstones of family life. Once a routine is in place, I can be a little flexible, such as when we’re on vacation. It’s a framework, but it doesn’t have to be rigid, once it’s established. - Boundaries
Children need to know there are limits to their behavior. It means they have to know what’s acceptable, and what’s not. We need to set the rules, and clearly tell them what we expect. - Discipline
We can only keep the boundaries in place by discipline, which means firm and fair control. It may just take an authoritative voice and a warning to get the message across. Otherwise, there are other techniques we can use, none of which involve punishment. - Warnings
There are two kinds of warning. One tells a child what’s coming next – we’re the “speaking clock” that bath time is coming up soon, or that we’re getting near to putting lunch on the table. The other is a warning for bad behavior that gives the child a chance to correct behavior without any further discipline. Always ask for a reply, and state the consequence. - Explanations
Small children can’t understand how we want them to to behave, unless we tell them. Show and tell to get the message across. Don’t reason, or make it too complicated. Just state the obvious. When we’re disciplining, explain why, in a way that’s appropriate for their age. Ask if they understand the reason why they’ve been disciplined, so the message hits home. - Restraint
Keep cool. We’re the parent and we’re in charge. Don’t answer a tantrum by a display of anger, or respond to shouting by shouting back. We’re the adult. Don’t let them wind us up. Keep our emotions out of it. - Responsibility
Childhood is all about growing up. Let them. Allow them to do small, achievable things to boost their self-confidence, and learn the necessary life and social skills. Get them involved in a family life. But make sure our explanations are reasonable. Don’t set them up for failure. - Relaxation
Quality time is important for everyone, including ourselves. Let our child unwind at bedtime with cuddles and a story. Make sure we have quality time for individual attention.
It’s comforting to know that we’re not alone in our struggle to raise children. It’s also good to know there’s a solution to every issue, as long as we follow the basic guidelines. It’s not so difficult to be parents when we are present in the lives of our children, and we love them completely.
- Adapted from the book Supernanny: How To Get The Best From Your Children. [↩]
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Hi Rudy,
Great list! After each point, I thought “exactly!”
Kids absolutely do better with boundaries, and clear consistent rules. The role of a parent is to be a parent, not a friend. And the sooner a parent realizes this and does their job (all of those 10 points), the easier it is on everyone. It’s much easier to establish who’s the parent when a child is three than waiting until they’re five, or eight, or thirteen.
I would also add that being a good parent is hard work, but well worth it! ~ Steve
.-= trade show guru´s last blog ..Zombie Boot Camp =-.
Hey Steve,
Being good parents is definitely hard work. It requires patience, consistency, and self-control – lots of them!
I was being told by a lot of other parents that teenagers are difficult to manage. I didn’t say it out loud, but I thought the same thing you did, when you said it would’ve been easier to discipline a child when he/she is much younger. Most parents let their kid do whatever they want until they’re 7 or 8 – the supposed age a child can learn discipline. My kid learned discipline when she was 3. She’s well behaved at 4. When she’s a teenager, I’m confident she’ll be fine.
hey Rudy,
you wrote:
“My kid learned discipline when she was 3. She’s well behaved at 4. When she’s a teenager, I’m confident she’ll be fine.”
I couldn’t have said it better! 😀 ~ Steve
.-= trade show guru´s last blog ..Zombie Boot Camp =-.
I liked the star chart when I was a kid… Although I think it created or fostered unhealthy competition between my sister and I… When there’s more than one kid, I suppose balance can be hard to find. I’m going to try the star chart though when my daughter turns three (in a few months), and think of a way to balance out the chart in next years to come with our second child coming soon (a boy approximately January 28).
I have a hard time with the routine and consistency myself, so I have a hard time teaching my daughter. I think most of the problems I’ve been struggling through with my daughter have been problems I have with myself or problems others around my daughter have… So it is a family and community effort. I have to work with my family just as much as with my daughter, and perhaps more than any I have to work on myself. Assuming much of a persons destiny is circumstantial, I also think even working with complete strangers will help my daughter in the long run… That it will help everyone in the long run by making the word a slightly better place. Sometimes I focus on others more because it is too hard to focus on myself, but it does end up benefiting me too eventually… Maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be…
.-= Chexed´s last blog ..A Thousand Wrongs =-.
Hey David,
It’s so true that everything has to start with one self. We can’t change the world if we can’t change ourselves.
As for competition, that’s healthy – and sometimes beneficial. Just don’t let it be an obsession. I wish I had more a competitive spirit.